Meaningful Mentorship: How to Truly Earn the Title of “Mentor” and Avoid Being a “MINO”
by Ryan E. Norman, Esq. (Advocate), Board of Directors
The earliest I recall desiring a mentor was around the time I got my first summer job. Unlike many of my friends whose first jobs were at fast food restaurants, department stores, or summer camps, my first job was as a caddie at a local, private country club. A caddie carries a golfer’s clubs, cleans and organizes them, and provides the golfer with helpful information about the golf course in an effort to aid the golfer in achieving a better score. Responsible for lugging the bag full of clubs for up to 4.5 hours, over a distance of approximately 4 miles, and in whatever weather exists at the time, a caddie’s job is labor-intensive.
Despite all of that, the idea of being a caddie made sense in my head at the time. After all, I liked to play golf and wanted to be a lawyer, so spending time on the course surrounded by successful lawyers, doctors, and businesspeople seemed like a decent way to make money and gain a mentor. The only problem. . . I hated the job. It turned out carrying golf clubs was not nearly as fun as playing golf. And what was worse was the fact that the affluent golfers I was caddying for were stingy with both tips and career advice. I caddied for two unpleasant summers and never found that person who I imagined would take an interest in my aspirations and share some tips for success. Luckily, I was rescued when a lawyer my mother knew agreed to hire me as a summer intern at his mid-sized law firm. I was thrilled! I would finally get an opportunity to work around the profession I dreamed of joining and get a second attempt at finding my mentor.
As I have continued to pursue my dream, growing from eager high school student to experienced federal prosecutor, I have had mixed success finding good mentors at internships and career positions. Even now, as the co-chair of The Color of Excellence’s Mentorship, Partnership, and Training Committee, I constantly find myself reflecting on questions like:
What does meaningful mentorship look like?
What qualities do good mentors possess?
Why are truly outstanding mentorship relationships so hard to come by?
Unfortunately, I have come to realize that finding co-workers, supervisors, and colleagues willing to provide meaningful mentorship can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. For us lawyers, a more apt analogue might be the feeling of searching for controlling case law on an obscure legal issue when you are not even certain which search terms to use. If that sounds a bit extreme, and you think good mentors are easy to find, I encourage you to reevaluate your definition of mentorship.
The fact is that many people just assume the title of “mentor.” And why not? The title of mentor is respected. It signals to society that you have devoted yourself to helping another person and concerned yourself with advancing more than just your own career. To be called a mentor by someone is admirable because, when used appropriately, it suggests that you have made a difference in someone else’s life or career. This, however, is where the problem lies. Unfortunately, I’ve found that a growing number of people ascribe to a sort of watered-down version of mentorship where the title is literally just that—a title. Stated differently, as I have progressed in my career, I have found that rather than encountering meaningful mentorships, I have instead uncovered mentors in name only (MINO).
What is a MINO?
How do you identify one?
Well, luckily, they are easy to spot, and chances are you have had several in your life. Generally, a MINO enters your life on two well-worn paths. The first path is where a MINO is assigned to you as part of structured mentorship program at school, work, or in an interest group. In these arrangements, you get assigned a more senior person whose responsibility is to show you the ropes. They are encouraged by leadership to take you to lunch, have you shadow them, and introduce you to the rest of your colleagues.
The second path by which a MINO usually enters your life is by self-appointment. This might occur when someone looking to appear helpful for one reason or another declares themself your mentor. Perhaps this person genuinely likes you and starts off sincerely wanting to assist in your development. Or more cynically, this person sees that you are headed for success and wants to stake their claim as a person that contributed to your rise to greatness. In either case, this MINO has chosen on their own to assume the responsibility of mentorship.
Once the MINO is in the life of a mentee, whether by assignment or self-appointment, the trajectory of the mentorship arrangement follows more well-worn paths that eventually lead to ineffectiveness and dissolution. One of those paths is akin to a street with a one-way traffic sign. MINOs who take this path betray themselves as one-way communicators and appear only when called by their mentee. These MINOs unreasonably shift the burden of contact to the mentee and take the position that the mentee should always contact them first. MINOs deal in willful ignorance and plausible deniability telling themselves that if they have not heard from their mentee, then everything must be fine. In essence, these MINOs see themselves as fire fighters whom the mentee should only call when there is an emergency. After all, what else could the MINO possibly do or talk to you about? When it comes to MINOs who take this approach, mentees can be sure that the mentorship relationship will end the day the mentee grows weary of having to reach out first.
Another way MINO relationships can end is through miserly mentorship. The miserly MINO is a person that is sparing and closefisted with their time and resources. Despite proudly claiming you as their mentee and telling you their “door is always open,” this MINO can never seem to fit you into their schedule beyond the initial mandated mentor lunch. These MINOs might exclusively rely on email check-ins, for instance. When there are phone calls and in-person check-ins, MINOs treat them like business meetings and squeeze in the mentee for small amounts of time between two other appointments. As a result, the ability to have wide-ranging conversations is stifled, and time to engage in active listening and adequate problem-solving is non-existent.
When it comes to resources, the miserly MINO continues to disappoint with their lack of generosity. This person never affirmatively offers to open his or her contact list to put the mentee in touch with someone that may be able to offer career advice or encouragement. Despite a voluminous list of connections on social media and years of experience in various positions and offices, suspiciously, this MINO never seems to know anyone who can help or even put you in contact with a friend of a friend that can offer guidance. Finally, while finances are always personal, and mentorship certainly does not necessitate bankrolling your mentee, it is worth noting that one sign of a MINO is the unwillingness for the often more highly compensated person to occasionally offer to pay for a cup of coffee or even a cheap meal when you go out to eat. Sadly, this MINO’s memory is short as they cannot seem to recall the free cups of coffee and sandwiches they were provided when they were the unpaid intern or low-salaried up-and-coming rookie.
While I am certain there are other discrete ways that MINOs both reveal themselves and abandon their responsibilities as so-called mentors, the flaws that characterize MINOs boil down to two main deficiencies:
a lack of thoughtfulness and
the absence of generosity.
So, how do thoughtfulness and generosity shape mentorship?
First, thoughtfulness is the lens through which mentors should view their assignment. As the mentor, this lens requires practicing empathy by asking yourself questions like:
What fears and concerns did I have when I was where my mentee is now? What frustrations or pitfalls would I like to have known about and avoided? What advice would I have liked to receive? Who would I have liked to have been introduced to? What experiences did I desire? What doors were closed to me that I can now open for someone else?
These questions are plentiful and have endless iterations. What they share at their heart, though, is a willingness to avoid a hazing mentality—the temptation to think, “I had to work hard and find my own way, so the people coming behind me have to find their own way too.” This type of thinking is harmful for a lot of reasons, the least of which is that the thought behind it is usually inaccurate and revisionist. Almost every successful person has received some kind of help on their way up the ladder. At some point, someone had to train you to do something, point you in the right direction, contribute financially to your cause, provide a listening ear, lay a second set of eyes on your work, or even save you from yourself. Knowing this, it becomes selfish and unconscionable, then, to withhold assistance from someone else.
The lens of empathy should guide mentors away from either apathy or ambivalence. When I consider the lack of success I likely would have achieved had no one bothered to help me, or simply looked at me with indifference, I am immediately filled with a sense of responsibility and passion to help someone else. More than that, I feel I have a moral imperative that leaves no room for disinterest. After all, my mentors were fully invested when it came to me, and I think it would be shameful not to emulate for my mentees the example they provided.
Once mentorship is seen through the lens of thoughtfulness and empathy, the next step is to be a generous mentor that gives selflessly. In other words, avoid the deficiencies demonstrated by the miserly MINOs. Practically speaking, what do you give? The answer is that you provide solutions to all those questions you asked yourself above. For instance, in consideration of the question regarding the fears and concerns you had when you were in your mentee’s shoes, you give assurance, encouragement, and methods to overcome the fear. As to the question about pitfalls to avoid, you offer advice and cautionary tales. And as to the people you would have wanted to meet, experiences you wished you had, and the doors you wished were open to you, you open your contact list and introduce your mentee to those people, provide those experiences as best you can, and open the doors to which you now possess the keys.
Inherent to being thoughtful and providing solutions to the introspective questions you have asked yourself is generosity of time. An unavoidable but often unspoken truth about mentorship is that the mentor’s convenience is not the primary concern of a meaningful relationship between mentor and mentee. Mentorship requires an investment of time that does not equate to a mentee getting in where the mentee fits in. Rather, rapport building, problem solving, and the mentee’s development are the primary goals of the relationship. To that end, mentors must be deliberate and intentional about devoting time to the mentorship relationship. That means blocking out adequate amounts of time when meeting with your mentee, not using the 20-30 minutes you have between meetings. If you do not have time during the workday, it may mean finding time in the evenings or weekends to have a check-in. Again, use the empathy lens when making time for your mentee. If you had a concern, fear, or need for advice, would you want to spill your guts out in an email or rush through a 30-minute conversation where there was no time for the other party to show compassion, actively listen, or talk through solutions? Would you feel comfortable discussing potentially embarrassing personal or professional challenges with someone you had only spoken to once every 9 months? And how would you feel if you always had to initiate a conversation with a mentor that never seemed to remember you existed until you reached out to him or her? Would that relationship last very long?
Being a good mentor is neither as easy as it looks nor as hard as some people make it out to be. It should also go without saying that no mentor is perfect (neither is any mentee for that matter). After all, at the end of the day, a mentor is just another human being. Yet, good mentors can make superhero-like impacts on the lives of their mentees merely by being thoughtful and generous people. I know this from personal experience. My mentors continue to have a lasting impact on my life. Indeed, I can say, without shame or bruised ego, that I could not have achieved the career of my dreams or overcome some steep obstacles thrown in front of me had it not been for some special guardian angels in my life. These mentors generously took me on as their assignment, thoughtfully making my success the goal of their efforts. It is because of their mentorship that I am passionate about seeing my own mentees’ successes.
As you consider what it means to meaningfully mentor, ask yourself a lot of introspective questions. Here are two more to start your journey:
Whose development will you now thoughtfully and generously devote some of your time and effort to?
For whom will you now truly earn the title, mentor?
Mentor well, my friends.
© All opinions expressed in this publication are that of the writer and not the opinions of their employer or any other associations.
